Raising your children on your own is an intensely personal and rewarding challenge. Like all parents, you will experience many ups and downs along the way as you develop and learn to trust your own parenting skills. Here, you will find parenting help on everything from communicating with your kids, to setting boundaries and limits, effective discipline practices, and having fun as a family
(COMMUNICATION!!)
Communication is key. The most important thing your kids need to know is that they are loved. In addition, realize that how you communicate with your kids - whether they're toddlers or teens - will deeply influence their level of cooperation, as well as the overall quality of your parent-child relationship.
*(Conduct Weekly Family Meetings)
Successful co-parenting requires good communication, and research shows that children whose parents make an effort to communicate effectively with one another fair better in the months and years following a divorce. One small thing that you can do to improve positive communication between you and your ex is to meet regularly to talk about raising your children. Here are some tips to help structure each meeting:
(1.) Set a Business-like Tone
Moving forward, try to look at your relationship with your ex as a business partnership. In many ways, it is. You share the common goal of raising your children. You may not like each other, and communicating together will certainly be challenging, but the success of your "business" - your children's healthy adjustment - depends on it.
(2.) Meet Weekly
Be committed to meeting on a consistent basis, such as weekly. This will convey the message to your children that - when it comes to raising them - you are indeed a united front. Yes, this will be extremely difficult in the early stages of your divorce or separation. However, keep your focus centered on your common goals - the children - and the meetings will get easier with time.
(3.) Communicate Through the Phone and E-mail
You do not have to meet in person! In many cases, talking on the phone or using E-mail is preferable. That's okay as long as you are committed to communicating with one another using whatever medium is most productive for the two of you.
(4.) Use an Agenda
There are certain topics - such as schedules, school progress, and behavioral concerns - that you're going to want to cover each week in your meetings. You can simplify your discussions by using a printed agenda. Create a standard form to include all the topics you wish to discuss regularly, and complete it prior to your meeting. When both parents make this effort prior to each meeting, the sessions will become much more productive. This will also help each of you focus your energy on what really matters.
More: Print a sample agenda to use at your next co-parenting meeting.
(5.) Stay Focused on the Kids
The purpose of your meetings is to work together in raising your children, which is not going to happen unless you make the effort to communicate effectively with one another. Therefore, each of you must make a conscious decision to stay focused on the kids during these meetings. It's not the time for personal discussions or rehashing conflicts in your relationship. If you need to schedule time for those kinds of discussions, do it separate from your regular co-parenting meeting. Also, try to set a time limit for your meetings, such as 30 minutes.
*(Respond to Your Kids' Questions)
Do Tell the Truth - Your children are extremely perceptive. Do not attempt to lie to them or withhold basic information. At the same time, though, be aware of the fine line between answering their questions and telling them more than they need to know.
Do Remain Positive - Your children will take their cues from you. Make every effort to remain positive and upbeat, and you'll find that your attitude is contagious. The changes you are making in your life right now may not be the ones that you would have wanted, but life is an adventure, and together you're going to make the best of it.
Do Remind Your Children That You Love Them Unconditionally - This is absolutely critical. Even if your kids aren't hinting that they have questions about whether you could ever fall "out of love" with them, tell them explicitly over and over again that you will always love them, no matter what they do. You want them to know that there is absolutely nothing that could ever stop you from loving them!
Do Make Sure Your Actions Support Your Words - This one is tricky. We all know that actions speak louder than words, and no where in our lives is this more true than with our kids. However, right now, you're hurting; and you may find it extremely difficult to be patient and caring with your children, when every fiber of your being is screaming for some space to grieve your loss. Try to be aware of whether the messages you are giving to your kids with your words match the messages you are giving them with your actions, and even your body language. Being consistent in this regard may mean that you have to occasionally schedule some time away from your kids, so that you can sort through your own feelings and return home with renewed energy and resolve.
Do Be Patient - You may find that your child asks the same questions over and over. This doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't explaining the answers clearly enough. Children often need to hear the same information many times in order for it to make sense in their own minds. In fact, many children will replay these important conversations, while they are resting or playing, and knowing that they have the answers and sequence correct in their minds can be very reassuring.
More on Talking With Children About Divorce
How to Announce Your Divorce or Separation
Be Prepared for Your Kids' Questions
Books to Help Children Cope With Divorce
Support & Encouragement for Single Parents
Survive the First Year
Choose a Support Group
Activities for Single Parent Support Groups
Self Care Tips for Single Parents
Quiz: Are You Taking Good Care of Yourself?
30 Self-Care Tips for Single Parents
Carving Out "Me Time"
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*(Announce Your Divorce or Separation)
Are you prepared to tell your children about your upcoming divorce? While I'm sure you know it will be painful, talking with your children about your divorce or separation is also an opportunity to let them know, first and foremost, that you love them, and to demonstrate that – as a family – you’re going to meet their needs and answer their questions. These guidelines will help you prepare for this event.
Please note that you should be absolutely certain that the divorce or separation will actually happen before you tell the kids. Once that has been determined, consider the guidelines below.
(1.) Confer with Your Former Partner Before You Tell the Kids About the Divorce.
For the sake of your children, put aside the hurt and anger you may be feeling, so that you can make decisions together about the details you’ll need to tell your children. If you don’t have this conversation beforehand, you may end up having it in front of or through your kids, which wouldn't be fair to them. If it’s extremely difficult to speak with one another, consider using the services of a mediator or counselor, or invite someone you both trust to help you work out the details.
(2.) If at All Possible, Both Parents Should be Present When Telling the Kids.
This sends an important message to your kids that you’re both capable of working together for their benefit. In addition, you'll want to tell all of the children at one time. It’s important that each child hear this news directly from mom and dad; not from the sibling who heard it first. If your kids are different ages, plan to share the basic information at the initial gathering, and follow-up with the older children during a separate conversation.
(3.) Remain Calm and Avoid Blaming.
The manner in which you present this news to your kids will, in large part, affect the degree of their anxiety and whether they anticipate a positive outcome for themselves. If the meeting becomes a screaming match, your kids will be far more unsettled about what is happening. Instead, avoid the tendency to assign blame or say whose “fault” this is. To the extent that you can, try to incorporate the word “we” when you’re explaining the decisions that have been made.
(4.) Provide a General Reason for What is Happening.
It is not important, or even appropriate, that you provide specific details about why you are planning a divorce. However, your kids will want to know why this is happening. Older children will recognize that this is a huge life change, and they will weigh that change against the reason you give them. So while you don’t want to share details of a personal nature, be prepared to give some type of general explanation.
(5.) Provide Specific Details About the Changes Your Kids Can Expect.
Your kids will want to know where they’re going to live, with whom, and what about their lives is going to change. You can help your children to be prepared for these changes by being honest about what you know, and what you don’t know.
(6.) Provide Specific Details About the Parent Who is Leaving the Home.
The more you can tell your kids about where the departing parent will be living and when they will be seeing him or her, the better. They’ll need to know, right away, that they will be able to maintain a quality relationship with this parent, even though they won’t be living under the same roof.
(7.) Reassure the Children of Your Unconditional Love.
Your children will need lots of reassurance that the divorce is not their fault. Specifically tell them that nothing they did could have caused - nor prevented - what is happening. In addition, make sure both parents collectively and individually convey thier unconditional love through words and actions. Avoid making long-range promises about an uncertain future. Instead, stick with the assurances you can make for the present time and be generous in sharing your hugs and affection.
(8.) Be Sensitive to How the Kids React to This News.
What you’re telling them may be completely unexpected, and will most assuredly change their lives. Try to be as understanding of no reaction – which is a reaction – as you would be if the children were in tears or extremely angry. Your children may not know how to express their intense emotions appropriately, and it may be some time before they can articulate their feelings.
(9.) Welcome Their Questions.
Most likely, the children will have many questions. To the extent that you can, be honest and clear in your responses. If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell them that. Also, realize that this conversation will unfold in many parts. After you’ve told the children about the divorce or separation, expect to revisit the topic many times as new questions and concerns arise.
(10). Give Them Time to Adjust to the News.
It will take time for your children to adjust to this news. It is a huge change, and while you may be confident in the hopeful future you envision for them, it will take some time for them to see that future play out. In the meantime, be patient with their needs and make the effort to be a steady presence in their lives.
*(Handle Questions About the Divorce)
Question: What Kinds of Questions Will My Kids Ask When We Announce the Divorce?
Your kids will have many questions. First and foremost, they're going to want to know how the divorce will affect them personally.
Here's a list of questions your kids will be asking about how the divorce will impact their personal lives:
Answer:
1.Where am I going to live?
2.Where's Mommy going to live?
3.Where's Daddy going to live?
4.Where are my brother and sister going to live? Will we stay together?
5.Will I have to move?
6.Will I have to change schools?
7.Will I have two houses and two bedrooms?
8.Where will my stuff go?
9.Do my friends know?
10.What can/should I tell them?
11.Will everyone else know?
12.Is this my fault?
13.Are you mad at me?
*(Get Your Kids to Listen to You)
Following these steps consistently will enhance communication with your child and enable him/her to follow through on the directions you give.
(1.) When possible, meet your child at eye-level when you're giving directions.
This ensures that your child knows you are speaking with him/her, and dramatically increases your child's ability to listen.
(2.) Speak in a clear, firm voice.
This lets your child know that you're serious about what you're asking.
(3.) Ask your child to repeat the directions back to you.
This is a great tool for making sure your child knows what is expected.
*(Teach Respect by Giving it Away)
Respect is reciprocal. When we give respect, we also get respect in return. This is true in our relationships with our children as well. Let's take a look at several ways we can teach kids respect by giving it away.
(1.) Our Tone of Voice
The best way to teach kids respect, as in all areas of character, is to model it. Begin by taking moment to listen to the tone of voice you use with your kids. Do you sound stressed out and tense? That may be because you have good reason to feel stressed out and tense, but try to remove those emotions from your voice when you're talking to your kids.
(2.) Our Words
Our choice of words is another way we convey respect to our kids. We teach them that not every thought that runs through their minds needs to be said out loud, and we must remember to do the same. Screen your words before you speak, and see if that doesn't increase the all-around respect at home.
(3.) Our Timing
Do you find yourself frequently saying "in a minute?" We may say this phrase with good intentions, and it is appropriate for our kids to learn that we are human beings with responsibilities of our own that we must tend to. However, keep in mind that if we don't want this phrase reflected back to us when we ask our kids to do something, we should temper how often we use it ourselves.
(4.) Our Body Language
Another way to teach kids respect is through body language. Imagine that there is a mirror reflecting your every move as you talk with your kids. What does your body language look like? Does it show that you are attentive to what they are saying? Do you look up from your work and make eye contact? These are all small signs of respect, and taking the time to give this type of respect to our kids can increase the respect we get in return.
(5.) Our Use of Space
Do we respect our kids' space within the home? This doesn't mean we should never enter our kids' rooms, but it does mean that knocking on the door would be a polite way of conveying respect. We also respect our kids' space when we fight the urge to push them to talk about something before they're ready.
(6.) Our Use of Belongings
We may have strict rules about our children's use our belongings - like our clothes, our make-up, or our sports equipment - but do we respect our kids' belongings as well? Make sure that you take the time to ask your child if there's something you need to borrow.
We teach kids respect by modeling it and by giving them the respect as human beings that they also deserve. At times that means setting aside our own concerns and priorities to slow down and communicate in a more intentional, thoughtful manner. By examining the messages you give your kids in this way, you can increase both the respect you give, and the respect you receive.
*(How to Apologize to Your Kids)
As parents, we all experience times when we wish we could take back something we said or did. You may notice, too, that these moments tend to happen more frequently - and more intensely - during times of increased stress, when you are over tired, or simply trying to do too many things at once. So how should you handle it when you've done or said something you regret? Use this five-step plan to apologize to your kids:
Replay the scene in your mind.
Try to see it from your child's point of view.
Imagine what it felt like to your child.
Think through what you could have done differently.
Communicate steps 1-4 to your child.
Additional Tips:
In particular, spend a lot of time on step number three, so that you can communicate your apology with genuine compassion.
Invite your child to share with you how he or she is feeling.
Talk together about how you will prevent the same mistake from happening in the future.
Share your experience with another parent who can help you to be accountable to following through on what you have promised to your child.
Finally, be forgiving of yourself, too. We're all human, and one of the things that makes you a great parent is your willingness to grow and learn from your mistakes
*(Help Your Kids Cope With Grief)
Whether your children are grieving over the loss of a parent, or the impact of divorce on your immediate family, you are likely to be grieving right alongside them. That alone makes helping your children cope with the stages of grief more complicated. Bereavement researchers, John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes, have divided grief into four distinct phases, or stages of grief, that individuals experience. Knowing what to anticipate as your children move through the stages of grief, will help you to help them cope with this dynamic process.
The Four Stages of Grief in Children Include:
Shock and Numbness
Whether your child is coping with a loss due to death, or the news of an impending divorce or separation, he or she is likely to be stunned at first. On the surface, it may appear that your child is functioning fairly well. However, beneath the surface, he or she is just beginning to cope with the loss. For this reason, your child's ability to think clearly and concentrate may be impaired during this stage in the grieving process.
What You Can Do:
Be patient
Listen
Give your child space to think through the loss
Make yourself available to your child when he or she is ready to talk
Yearning and Searching
During this stage, your child may appear restless, angry, or bewildered; or express feelings of guilt over the loss. These intense and unresolved feelings may result in the child acting out toward others, or completely withdrawing from his or her social and family connections.
What You Can Do:
Allow your child to express his or her feelings
Realize that your child's feelings may change drastically from day to day
Remain calm
Disorientation and Disorganization
During this stage, your child may experience extreme sadness or depression over the loss. He or she may also continue to experience feelings of guilt or anger while the reality of loss continues to "sink in." This may manifest itself in your child's loss of appetite, sleeplessness, and lack of enthusiasm for things he/she used to enjoy.
What You Can Do:
Make sure that your child is getting adequate nutrition and rest
Continue to be available to your child
Provide opportunities to spend time outside together
Reorganization and Resolution
During this stage, your child begins to accept the loss and assimilate it into his or her life. In addition to noticing that your child seems less sad, you may also notice that he or she has more energy and is able to think more clearly again.
What You Can Do:
Realize that your child may fluctuate back into previously experienced stages of grief
Remain alert to any changes in your child's behavior or mental state
Encourage your child to share his or her feelings as needed
*(The Importance of Quality Time)
You already know that good parent-child relationships cannot be bought. Good parent-child relationships - the kind you're working to build with your kids every day - are a by-product of spending quality time together, not money.
However, many parents would like to believe they spend “quality time” with their kids; but in reality, they've allowed the phrase to take on an altogether different meaning. They compensate for having a limited amount of time to spend with their children by telling themselves, "I may not spend much time with my kids, but when I do, I spoil them by buying them things."
Parents whose quality time consists mainly of buying their children things are at risk of building their relationship on the basis of purchases and are at risk of developing a sense of entitlement in their children. In time, their children do not want to spend time with a parent if that parent isn’t spending money on them. Given the rise of this situation, the parents then begrudge the relationship with their children and feel they are being taken advantage of. Sadly though, this is how some children have been trained to relate to their parents.
An important indicator of quality time is actually quantity of time spent with children. Children, whose parents spend time with them as opposed to money, learn to value the parent for who they are, rather than what they may purchase. Instead of purchasing things as the basis of the parent-child relationship, activities can be substituted, particularly activities that are inherently fun for both parent and child.
The process of developing a good parent-child relationship starts when children are young.
Bath time and feeding time can be fun activities, as are peek-a-boo and making faces for the wee ones.
Come toddler age, going for strolls, playing on the floor and looking at picture books can be entertaining.
For the preschooler, running around outside, walks to the playground or visiting the library can form the basis of spending time together.
School age children enjoy throwing a ball, playing sports and going for bike rides together.
Even teens enjoy time with their parents. This time can be spent talking about life, exercising, and even listening to music together.
Throughout, make the effort to eat at least one meal a day together with your child. This provides an opportunity to stay connected and discuss how things are going in your child’s life.
(ROUTINES!!)
One way to make your job easier is to establish regular routines with your children. This way, everyone knows what to expect at various times of the day, and each family member can contribute to the household in a meaningful way.
*(Use a Calendar to Organize Your Family's Activities)
(1.) Keep One Master Family Calendar
You'll need one large family calendar where you can keep everyone's schedule. Look for something that gives you a lot of space for writing appointments and details, and place the calendar in an area where you will see it regularly. For example, I keep mine right on my refrigerator, and I check it every morning just to be sure there's not an upcoming event that I've forgotten.
(2.)Teach the Kids to Check the Master Family Calendar
As the kids get older, you'll want them to be in the habit of checking the family calendar, too. This will help prevent scheduling conflicts and help the entire family participate in the task of planning your schedules.
(3.)Create Day Planner Pages That Work for You
You can also print your own weekly day planner pages. This can be especially helpful if you have frequently repeating events, like karate or ballet classes that repeat each week. Make sure you print several copies at once, though, so you'll have planner sheets for at least one month.
*(Use Chores to Teach Responsibility)
(1.) Start Early
The easiest way to teach your kids to share the responsibility for regular chores around the house is to encourage their participation early. Basically, as soon as they're able to walk, they can begin to help you with small chores, like putting their toys away or tossing laundry into a basket. If you have older children, though, don't lose hope. It's never too late to begin making positive changes and teaching your kids responsibility.
(2.) Offer Choices
Allow your kids to have a say in the tasks they'll be responsible for. One way to do this is to make a list all of the jobs that need to be completed, and allow each child to choose two or three age-appropriate tasks. Another idea is to make a game out of completing chores. For example, with young children, you can create chores cards, such as "dust," "vacuum," "bathroom sink," "empty the garbage cans," and "take out the recycling." Then, on "chore day," you can each pick one or two cards and complete those jobs. Working together, you'll have these tasks done in no time!
(3.) Demonstrate
One mistake that's easy to make is expecting our kids to do chores we've never really shown them how to do. The result is frustration for everyone! So whenever you're introducing a new task, make sure you teach your kids how to do it. From making their own beds to starting the dishwasher, make sure you demonstrate the skills you want your children to learn.
(4.) Set Reasonable Expectations
The most important thing about teaching your children to be responsible for chores around the house is that you're learning to work together as a family. At the same time, you're also exposing them to skills they'll need as adults. It doesn't matter if the results are not perfect. In fact, they're not going to be; so you can just dismiss that idea right now. Over time, though, you'll begin to see that your kids are getting better and better at the skills you're teaching them.
(5.) Gradually Increase Your Kids' Responsibilities
As your children become more skilled in completing chores around the house, mix it up by introducing new tasks. For example, once your preteen has mastered the task of sorting laundry, consider whether he or she is ready to begin doing laundry! Even if you just started out with sheets and towels, it would be a huge load off your shoulders. It would also prepare for kids for doing their own laundry in their teen years, which is a great way to teach kids to take better care of their own clothes (and even motivate them to actually re-wear a not-so-dirty pair of jeans once in a while).
*(Tag Team Cleaning System)
One way to get your kids involved in doing household chores on a regular basis is to create a tag team cleaning system where you're all completing various tasks around the house at the same time. This allows you to accomplish everything you need to get done, teach your kids valuable life skills, and clean your house in a lot less time than it would normally take you. To get started:
Decide what household chores need to get done on a weekly basis. For example, those jobs may include:
Dusting
Vacuuming
Cleaning the bathrooms
Cleaning the mirrors
Wiping down kitchen counters
Sweeping
Mopping the kitchen floor
Changing sheets on all the beds
Consider what needs to get done before anyone can do those jobs. For example, in my house, I need to make sure all of the toys, books, and papers are put away before I can vacuum or dust. (Otherwise, I'd have to stop what I was doing and move stuff every few minutes.)
Make a list of the order that things need to get done. Begin with the basic straightening and then, when it comes to actual cleaning, think from the top down. For example:
Put away anything that has been left out in each room (toys, books, etc.)
Dust
Wipe down surfaces
Clean mirrors
Change sheets on all the beds
Sweep
Mop
Vacuum
Now, go back and assign each person in your family a set of household chores that correspond with the order in which things need to get done. I've created some samples on the next few pages of how this can work for a family of 2, 3, or 4 people.
*(Save Time on Your Busiest Mornings)
The start of your day sets the tone for everything else. In fact, to a large degree, your morning routine impacts your mood, your relationships, and what you'll accomplish in the course of the day. Use the following suggestions to help you save time in the morning. You'll not only get more done in less time, but applying these tips will help get your entire day off to a great start!
(1.) Do as Much as You Can the Evening Before
This includes laying out clothes, making lunches, gathering books, and running the dishwasher. The time you invest in the evening will actually save you time-and-a-half in the morning, because you won't be rushed and stressed out. In addition, get your kids into the habit of doing whatever they can do to help out the evening before as well.
(2.) Keep Super-Easy Breakfast Foods on Hand
A healthy breakfast is crucial, and, fortunately, eating well doesn't have to take long. Cold cereals are packed with vitamins and minerals. Add some milk and a banana, and you have a well balanced meal! Or consider the benefits of yogurt. It's a handy snack that's full of protein, and it will keep you from feeling hungry quite as quickly as some other quick-meal options.
(3.) Don't Turn on the TV Until Everyone is Ready
If your kids enjoy watching TV in the mornings, use this knowledge to your advantage. Make a rule that, until everyone is ready to go, the TV stays off. That means no TV (or Gameboy) until the kids have had breakfast, washed up, brushed their teeth, gotten dressed, and put their shoes on. If they really want to watch TV, they'll meet your expectations in order to gain the reward.
(4.) Designate a "Space" for Each Family Member to Store Bookbags, Keys, Etc.
How much time to you spend each morning running around, scrambling for car keys, library books, I.D. tags, and more? This is time that you could be spending with another cup of coffee! To prevent this frantic rush, designate an area of your home for each person's "stuff." For the kids, this might be a hook inside the hall closet, where they can store their jackets and bookbags. For yourself, this might be a small drawer close to your home's entry.
(5.) Take a Deep Breath
When you're taking the time to breathe, you're more aware of what's happening around you. What do you notice? You'll probably begin to recognize small changes that can make your mornings even more smooth and productive. Over time, everything that needs to get done will get done. You'll get there! Give yourself a break and do what works for you.
*(Create a Bedtime Routine That Really Works)
Lack of sleep can cause a slew of other problems, including poor behavior, an inability to concentrate, and frequent nighttime waking. In order to make sure that your child is getting adequate sleep on a regular basis, you'll need to keep the bedtime routine fairly consistent.
Here is a list of Dos and Don'ts for establishing a bedtime routine that works for you:
Do:
Spend some time unwinding with a quiet activity 30 minutes before starting the bedtime routine.
Be consistent. The routine should be the same night-to-night, so that your child learns to anticipate sleep as part of the routine.
Include bathtime in your regular routine, as the soothing warmth will help prepare your child's body for rest.
Make reading together part of the bedtime routine.
Move your child's bedtime up (to an earlier time) if he or she frequently wakes during the night.
Leave the room while your child is still awake.
Allow soft music or a nightlight.
Remain calm when your child calls for you.
Reassure your child that you will come back and check on him or her during the night.
Always put your infant on his or her back to sleep.
Impose reasonable consequences if your child refuses to go to sleep. For example, a favorite toy might go in "Time Out," or your child might lose TV time for continuing to act out at bedtime.
Don't:
Make TV part of the bedtime routine.
Offer caffeinated sodas with dinner.
Allow frequent interruptions to the bedtime routine.
Make lying down together or rocking your child to sleep a regular part of the bedtime routine.
Use thick blankets, quilts, stuffed animals, or pillows in your infant's crib.
Pick your child up if he or she continues to call for your fights going to sleep. Instead, simply reassure him or her that you're nearby.
*(Get Your Kids to Sleep in Their Own Beds at Night)
How Can You Meet Those Needs in Other Ways?
Think about the feelings that your children naturally associate with sleeping in your bed, and then look for ways to build those emotions into other activities you share during the course of the day. For example, you might begin a new habit of reading a chapter book out loud to your kids each evening. You could do this together on the couch or sitting on one of the kids' beds. This allows you to recreate the emotional bond that was being nurtured by sleeping together, while maintaining your boundaries and allowing yourself to have some 'alone time' after they're in bed.
What Helps Your Kids Respond to Change?
Think about what works for your children in particular. Some kids do best when changes are enforced with firm consistency right from the start. Other kids seem to do better when they have the opportunity to ease into transitions like this one. If you feel that gradual steps toward independence would be helpful, consider allowing your kids to sleep on your floor in sleeping bags for awhile. Keep in mind that there's no "right or wrong" answer to this. You know your children - and yourself. If easing into the transition will help each of you maintain the new rule with greater consistency, then look for ways to honor that.
Are You Ready to Follow Through on Maintaining the New Rule?
You can be sure that your children will resist your attempt to create a new boundary and make every attempt to get back into your bed. Do you have the resolve at this time to be consistent in enforcing this new rule? Giving in to whining, crying, or tantrums will only reinforce that strategy as a way to coerce to into changing your mind any time your kids wish to influence you. Therefore, make sure that you're absolutely determined to see this through before you announce the rule.
Why Do You Want Your Bed to Yourself?
Any time we introduce change at home, it helps to be clear about why we're doing it. It will also help you to build up the resolve you're going to need in order to make this change happen. So spend some time thinking about why you need to have your bed to yourself again. Be assured, too, that your need for space is perfectly legitimate, and creating the opportunity to get a better night's sleep is going to also result in greater patience and energy - two qualities every single parent needs to make life work well. At the same time, this is also an excellent opportunity to talk with your children about each of your needs and to discover new ways to meet them.
(SETTING LIMITS!!)
Enforcing rules and setting limits is a necessary part of raising your children. In fact, you actually make it easier for your kids to listen to you and do what you ask of them when you make your expectations very clear from the beginning
*(Regain Control in 5 Steps)
Do you feel like your kids' behavior is completely out of control? It's never too late to step up and take the reigns. In fact, your kids desperately need to know that you -- the adult -- are in control. To walk you through it, here are five steps to implementing a new behavioral system and gaining control of your kids' behavior once again:
Step One: Give Yourself Permission to Parent
Why do you think your kids have become out of control? Is it because you feel too guilty to discipline them? Think you're just not good at this aspect of parenting? Suffer from a lack of positive role models? Unfortunately, things probably won't improve much until you decide to step up and take your place as an authority in your kids' lives. So the first step toward getting your kids' behavior under control is to give yourself permission to parent. Put aside any concerns about being "the bad guy" and remember that children need parents to set and maintain a clear set of expectations.
Step Two: Develop a List of Expectations and Consequences
Decide right now how you want your kids to behave. What basic expectations do you have for their behavior? These should be hard-and-fast rules that do not change, regardless of location, season, or time of day. For example, you might expect your kids to treat others -- including you -- with respect at all times. You might also expect your kids to clean up after themselves and participate in family chores.
At the same time, brainstorm a list of consequences that you are willing to enforce on a regular basis. Time out works well with very young children, but as your kids grow older, you have to adjust your consequences to suit their stage of development. For older children, consider enforcing a loss of privileges that your children consider valuable, such as television or video games.
Step Three: Plan the Introduction of Your New Behavioral System
There's one thing you can count on when you lay out a new set of rules for your kids: They're going to test you! Therefore, before you even introduce this new behavioral system to your kids, make sure that you're ready. Ideally, you'll want to begin at a time when you're all well-rested, when there will be minimum distractions or simultaneous transitions going on. In addition, because the first few weeks may be especially taxing for you, consider sharing your plan with a friend and asking him or her to let you vent as needed. (You can also come into the Single Parents Forum for ongoing support.)
Another strategy that can help you get through the worst of your kids' testing is to keep in mind the goal of what you're doing. You're not trying to make your kids happy; you're trying to raise them to be well-adjusted, responsible young adults. The pain you may experience now while enforcing these expectations is minimal compared to the challenges you'll face later if you don't get control of the situation while you still can!
Step Four: Lay Down the Law
Once you've developed your list of rules, schedule a family meeting where you can sit down together and discuss them. Focus on communicating your specific expectations clearly and explicitly, and letting your kids know what consequences they will face if they choose not to comply. In addition, consider posting the rules in a prominent location, such as a white board located in the kitchen where everyone can see it and refer to it as needed.
Step Five: Consistently Follow Through on Your New Rules and Consequences
Once you lay down the law, your kids are going to test you to see how serious you are. You success in gaining control of your kids' behavior depends entirely on your ability to withstand this period of testing. If you give in or ignore the very things that you just made a point of saying you will no longer tolerate, you will reinforce the behaviors you are trying to eliminate! Therefore, it's extremely important that you persevere throughout their testing and apply your consequences just as you said you would. In addition, remaining calm throughout this process is particularly effective as well. It will take your kids by surprise, since they're expecting you to be angry, frazzled, or too exhausted to follow through on the rules. Show them you mean business by staying calm and sticking to the plan.
Finally, remember that you can do this. It's not easy, but the benefits -- a calmer home, deeper connections with your kids, and peace of mind -- are worth it. It's never too late to step in and gain control of your kids' behavior.
*(10 Effective Discipline Strategies)
As a single parent, you naturally bear the sole responsibility for disciplining your children, shaping their behavior, and helping them make good choices, day in and day out. You can't count on having someone else there to back you up or to help you choose the most appropriate consequences when disciplinary action is needed. So in order to make quick, sound decisions, you'll need to develop a "tool kit" of effective child discipline strategies to choose from. The following strategies, used within the context of a loving parent-child relationship, will help you have a positive influence on your children's behavior:
(1.) Establish a Set of House Rules
Testing your limits is a healthy part of your children's growth and development. In order to be an effective disciplinarian, you need to have a game plan in place before they misbehave. What are your expectations? Create a set of 3-5 child discipline rules that apply in all situations. These are the "house rules" that apply at all times (even when you're not home). In addition, taking the time to occasionally review these ground rules together will reinforce your expectations and help raise your children's awareness of their behavior.
(2.) Use Praise to Your Advantage
Genuine praise has a powerful effect on your children's behavior, as well as their overall self-esteem. Regardless of how cavalier your children may appear, they actually crave your approval and the acknowledgment of their achievements. This includes their efforts to work hard at following your directions, as well, so make a point of telling them that you noticed. Seek out opportunities to praise them each day.
(3.) Develop a Firm and Serious Tone of Voice
It's important for us, as parents, to realize that raising our voices, or yelling, only teaches our children to tune us out. Instead, develop a serious tone you can turn on when you want your kids to know you mean business. This voice is likely a notch or two lower than your regular speaking voice. It is especially effective to turn on this "firm" voice when you're issuing a warning.
(4.) Set Boundaries
At times, our children misbehave because they want us to tell them where "the line" is. Communicating a boundary tells your child that you believe they are capable of managing their own behavior within a certain context. For example, you might say, "You're welcome to play outside, but you must stay in the backyard." Setting boundaries reinforces our expectations and sends a message to our kids that we believe they are capable of doing what we ask.
(5.) Redirect/Separate
Sometimes the most appropriate child discipline response is simply redirecting your child's attention. This is especially helpful with young children who may be expressing their sense of curiosity, as opposed to directly disobeying your directions. For example, if you don't want your toddler to push the buttons on your keyboard, redirect his or her attention to a different, age-appropriate toy to play with. "Disciplining" your child in this way provides a new opportunity to successfully behave.
(6.) Ignore It
Sometimes you can simply ignore misbehavior and your child will learn to modify it on his or her own. For example, if your child is whining in the grocery store, try saying "I can't hear you when you're whining," and then truly ignore them until the whining stops. Before long, they'll realize that the best way to maintain your attention--which is what they want!--is to curb that unpleasant whine.
(7.) Time Out
Time Out can be an effective child discipline strategy. It means simply removing your child from the situation for a period of time. Select a location, such as a special chair, to be your Time Out spot. The general rule of thumb is one minute of Time Out per year of age. For example, a three-year-old would be in Time Out for three minutes. The main key to using this strategy effectively is to avoid engaging your child in conversation during the Time Out! You may also find it helpful to use a kitchen timer to count the minutes for you.
(8.) Loss of Privileges
Removing privileges is another powerful child discipline tool. When your children begin to outgrow the effectiveness of the traditional Time Out strategy, you can begin putting toys in Time Out. As children grow, this might change to removing video game privileges or even restricting the privilege to wear favorite items of clothing. You'd be surprised by how effective this strategy can be! In addition, it is helpful to reinforce the distinction between "privileges" and "rights" as you employ this strategy.
(9.) Natural Consequences
Sometimes it's best just to let the natural consequences of your child's actions speak for themselves. If your pre-teen gets detention at school for talking back to the teacher, don't intervene and try to arrange for a more convenient punishment. Instead, allow your child to experience the unsettling result of the natural consequences. Sometimes that's the best "lesson" in itself.
(10). Behavior Modification
Behavior modification is when you help your child become aware of a certain behavior by noting their progress on a chart or calendar. For example, if you want your children to take more responsibility for brushing their teeth, you might post a behavior modification chart in the bathroom where they can add a check mark each time they remember. You might agree that after ten check marks, they'll receive a special treat or reward, such as going to the park or playing a game together. As a child discipline tool, behavior modification can be a powerful option to store in your "tool kit" of effective discipline strategies.
*(Set Ground Rules With Your Kids)
Setting "House Rules" with your children is a great way to communicate your expectations and be consistent in your parenting. This can be especially helpful if your rules at home are different from the rules that apply at day care or when your children are visiting their other parent's house.
What are "House Rules?" They are the rules that apply at all times, regardless of where you are or what you are doing.
Guidelines For Developing House Rules:
Keep Your House Rules Simple
You'll want to keep the house rules simple enough that your kids can memorize them and even repeat them back to you.
Limit Your List of House Rules to 3-5 Items
A list of ten rules simply can't be memorized, and the point of having "House Rules" is to communicate your expectations in a concise, succinct manner so that your kids can remember them.
Use Positive Language
Phrase your wording in a positive manner. For example, try not to start your house rules with the word "don't." Instead of saying, "Don't call one another names," try "Be respectful."
Let Your Kids Participate in Writing the House Rules
You have some very definite ideas about what will fly in your house and what won't. However, giving the kids a chance to participate in writing the house rules will increase their sense of ownership and willingness to follow the rules.
Refer to Your House Rules Often
Especially with young children, you want to review the house rules frequently. You can make this into a fun exercise. For example, before attending a party together at someone else's house, you might say to the kids, "Now, what are the house rules again?"
Example House Rules
Treat one another as you'd like to be treated.
Use an "indoor voice" when we're inside.
Use "walking feet" in the house.
Use your manners.
*(Limit Your Child's Screen Time)
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has some pretty strict guidelines for children's television viewing. Their web site states:
"The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no more than one to two hours of quality TV and videos a day for older children and no screen time for children under the age of 2."
They also specify that parents should:
"Keep TV sets, VCRs, video games and computers out of children's bedrooms."
However, it's particularly difficult for single parents to accomplish everything that needs to get done in a day's time--like preparing meals, doing laundry, cleaning up, and getting ready for the next day--and simultaneously limit screen time. However, by taking baby steps and applying some practical strategies, it is possible to limit screen time to the guidelines set forth by the AAP.
*(Chose Age-Appropriate Video Games)
Choosing age-appropriate, safe video games for your children is an extremely important step in preventing your family's exposure to strong, graphic violence and mature themes. Especially if your children travel back and forth between two homes, or you're concerned about the media violence they may be exposed to at friends' houses, you'll want to teach them what to look for in safe video games. The following steps do not require much time, and they are key to setting effective limits on the video games you allow your children to play.
Know What the Entertainment Safety Ratings Board (ESRB) Ratings Mean
Teach your children about the ESRB symbols and what each rating means. The most common ratings are:
E for "everyone," but really refers to children over the age of six
E-10 for to everyone over the age of 10
T for to teens
M for to mature, for individuals 17 and older
Read the ESRB Rating Assigned to Each Game
Look on the back of the game to find the ESRB rating symbol. In addition, you'll find a small box listing examples of why the game was given that rating. For example, a game might be rated "T" for mild cartoon violence, or it might expose players to brief nudity.Look Up the Game's Title on the ESRB Web Site
This will provide you with even more detailed information about the game's rating. The more information you have, the more equipped you will be to make an informed decision about the game's value. Keep in mind, too, that some games are given different ratings for different game systems. So the same video game might be rated "E" on your child's Gameboy system, but rated "T" on Playstation 2.
Visit the ESRB Web site.Check the Annual MediaWise Report on the Best and Worst Video Games
This annual report will help you find quality, educational video games for kids, and eliminate violent video games from your list. Again, the more you know about the video games that are out there, the more you can help your children to make wise choices.
Visit the MediaWise Web site.Teach Your Children to Evaluate Video Games
Spend some time talking about what types of images and behaviors you don't want your children to be exposed to through video games. For example, some "T" games expose kids to brief nudity as a "reward" when they advance through certain levels of the game; and some "M" games contain horrific examples of violence toward women. Ask them whether various games represent behaviors they would be proud to display in "real life." If not, that may be a strong indication that you wouldn't want them to spend numerous hours mimicking those same behaviors.Be Consistent
It's hard for kids to understand why we might allow a "T" game that includes mild cartoon violence, but not allow a "T" game that includes more graphic violence. To avoid confusion, be consistent regarding which games you choose to purchase and allow your children to play. If you have children of varying ages, keep your older kids' games out of reach of the younger children.Make Your Expectations Clear
Take the time to share your expectations with anyone who might be purchasing video games for your children as gifts. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends certainly mean well, but they might not understand why you're choosy about which games your kids can play. Especially if they do not have children, or if they have older children, the idea that video games could be anything but harmless may be foreign to them. Try to be specific in explaining the various things you don't want your children to be exposed to - like nudity and violence toward women - and share your hope that they will choose to honor the guidelines you've set.Trust in Your Kids
Finally, once you've made your expectations clear and taught your children how to evaluate games for themselves, have faith in them. In addition, applaud them when they tell you they came home early from a friend's house because they other kids were going to play a "T" or "M" game. Let them know that you notice their obedience to your expectations, and celebrate their integrity together. In this way, you'll be affirming your child's decision to choose safe video games when other alternatives were readily available.
*(Find Out Why Your Kids Are Misbehaving)
How do you handle your children's misbehavior? After all, we all go though times when we begin to wonder, "What's going on here? My kids seem to be totally out of control."
Often times, poor behavior can be our kids' way of telling us that something feels out of control for them; so the next time you're caught off guard by repeated misbehavior, take a few moments to ask yourself the following questions:
Am I Taking Care of Myself?
This is absolutely critical. When we're not taking care of ourselves, we unwittingly send a message to our kids that we're not worthy of their respect. In addition, there is a direct correlation between self-care and the amount of energy and patience we have at our disposal. As a result, when we don't take care of ourselves, we can easily become "snappy" with our kids, and this ends up being reflected back to us through their behaviors and choices.
Give yourself a break. Hire a babysitter and get out for a few hours.
Take a long walk.
After the kids are in bed, make yourself a cup of tea and do nothing for awhile.
Are the Kids Reacting to Any Recent Changes in Their Lives?
Of course you already know that your children are incredibly perceptive. And as a single parent, you also realize that, unfortunately, the changes your kids have to go through - such as sudden changes in their visitation schedule with the other parent - aren't always within your control. However, it's important for you to be aware that creating a positive home environment is one of your most valuable assets in encouraging your kids' positive behavior and choices. Think about how you can be a consistent presence in your kids' lives, emotionally as well as physically.
Do what you can to create consistency in the areas you can control.
Be extra generous with your hugs and affection.
Acknowledge that this is difficult for your kids and make an effort to be gentle with them.
Am I Spending Enough One-On-One Time With My Kids?
O.K. Let's take a moment for a reality check. As a single parent, you may not be able to dedicate one-on-one time with each child on a regular basis. However, when you find yourself dealing with repeated behavior issues, try to incorporate some creative ways to build in even small chunks of "Mommy Time" or "Daddy Time" with your kids. You'd be surprised how much even older children crave this! It definitely requires a sacrifice of your time and attention, but it can pay huge dividends in your child's sense of well-being and positive decision making.
Turn off the TV and spend some time talking and enjoying one another.
Play a board game and have some fun together.
Develop a bedtime routine that includes talking and reading together each night.
Am I Being Consistent in My Expectations and My Reactions?
As much as you can, try to be consistent with your kids' schedules and routines. Simply knowing what to expect will help your children behave well. In addition, try to be consistent in your reactions to your kids' behaviors. When our reactions depend on our mood, we teach our kids that we're unpredictable. This can add stress to your child and make it more difficult to exhibit self-control. In addition, your effort to be consistent shows respect and honors your relationship.
Develop a consistent evening routine that includes time for completing and reviewing homework.
Serve dinner at roughly the same time each night.
Develop consistent expectations regarding time with friends and extra-curricular activities.
Am I Including the Kids?
When you can, try to include your kids in your decision-making. So much of their lives is pre-determined, particularly for children who are in school all day. When you can, try to give your children opportunities to make their own choices. This might be regarding what clothes they wear, to the food they eat. Having this opportunity to make a choice - even one that might seem insignificant to us - empowers your child to make appropriate choices. With older children, look for opportunities to compromise when you can, realizing that there will be some non-negotiable issues.
Give your kids choices whenever you can.
Ask your kids for ideas about what they'd like to do together when you have time for a special outing.
Let your kids participate in making decisions about meals by planning and preparing dinners together.
*(Book Review of How Much is Enough?)
The Bottom Line
This is an excellent resource for parents who have difficulty knowing when to say "no" and when to say "yes." As the authors explain, overindulgence is not just about "buying too much stuff" for our kids. We can inadvertently overindulge our children with over-nurturing and too little structure, as well. This resource teaches readers how to use "The Test of Four" to identify overindulgence and put an end to its negative effects on our kids.
Pros
This is a likeable, readable book with an easy-to-read format and lots of real-life stories.
Includes a "quiz" parents can take to identify forms of overindulgence.
Covers three different forms of overindulgence: material, emotional, and structural.
Includes a list of four questions you can begin asking right away to identify overindulgence.
Provides helpful, practical tips to help parents make small, immediate changes.
Cons
The book includes many quotes from adults who were overindulged as children.
These quotes may or may not be relevant to your personal situation.
Description
Written by Jeane Illsley Clarke, Ph.D., Connie Dawson, Ph.D., and David Bredehoft, Ph.D.
Covers overindulgence in many areas, from the media to making tough choices about holiday shopping.
Includes an "Overindulgence Assessment Tool" for parents.
Includes detailed information on your children's "Ages and Stages" of development.
Includes a "Household Jobs Participation Chart."
Guide Review - Book Review of How Much is Enough
When you're raising a child on your own, it's really hard not to make him or her the center of your universe. This book helps well-intentioned parents, who truly mean well and love their children immensely, to recognize some of the potential pitfalls for our kids when we overindulge them with material possessions, too much nurturing, or too little structure. I strongly recommend this book for any parents who have difficulty saying "no."
(CHILD CARE!!)
As a single parent, it's inevitable that you're going to need to rely on outside sources of child care to assist you at times. Find out how to interview potential babysitters, prepare for emergencies, and know when to your children are ready to be left home alone.
*(Find and Keep a Qualified Babysitter)
Finding a babysitter you trust and the kids love can be a challenge. Find out where to find qualified sitters, and how to keep a sitter happily employed.
(1.) Ask for Recommendations
Whether you're looking for a teenage babysitter or a regular in-home caregiver, begin by asking your friends, colleagues, and neighbors for recommendations.
(2.) Community Organizations
Call your local library, YMCA, and community education facility to find out whether they offer babysitting classes. If they do, they might be able to give you a list of local babysitters.
(3.) Colleges and Universities
Also consider contacting your local community college or nearby universities. Their early education departments may have job boards where you can post your request.
(4.) Babysitting Services
You can also log onto www.babysitters.com to search for babysitters in your area.
More: Search for babysitters in your area.
(5.) Schedule Interviews
Schedule interviews with each potential candidate. If possible, make arrangements to conduct the interviews in your home so that the candidates can meet and interact with your children.
(6.) Prepare a List of Questions
Prepare a list of questions for the interview. There are five main categories you'll want to cover during the interview: previous experience, rules, emergencies, play time, and compensation.
More: A List of Questions to Ask When Interviewing Potential Babysitters
(7.) Review Your Expectations on the First Day
Once you've selected a babysitter, ask him or her to arrive early on the first day so that you can go over your rules and expectations.
(8.) Put Yourself in the Sitter's Shoes
Also think about how you can make your babysitter's experience in your home a pleasant one. You might consider keeping a few special snacks around and reminding your children that the house rules remain in effect when you are not home.
(9.) Arrive Home on Time
Try to be home when you said you would. Your sitter may have other plans, or may simply need a break by the time you arrive home.
(10.) Be Respectful
Finally, always treat your children's babysitter with respect. Stick to the hourly rate you agreed upon during the interview, and occasionally ask the sitter how things are going. Take the time to express how much you appreciate what he or she does for your family. Your kind words could mean more than you know!
*(How to Interview a Babysitter)
Finding a babysitter you trust and the kids love can be a challenge. Find out where to find qualified sitters, and how to keep a sitter happily employed.
(1.) Ask for Recommendations
Whether you're looking for a teenage babysitter or a regular in-home caregiver, begin by asking your friends, colleagues, and neighbors for recommendations.
(2.) Community Organizations
Call your local library, YMCA, and community education facility to find out whether they offer babysitting classes. If they do, they might be able to give you a list of local babysitters.
(3.) Colleges and Universities
Also consider contacting your local community college or nearby universities. Their early education departments may have job boards where you can post your request.
(4.) Babysitting Services
You can also log onto www.babysitters.com to search for babysitters in your area.
More: Search for babysitters in your area.
(5.) Schedule Interviews
Schedule interviews with each potential candidate. If possible, make arrangements to conduct the interviews in your home so that the candidates can meet and interact with your children.
(6.) Prepare a List of Questions
Prepare a list of questions for the interview. There are five main categories you'll want to cover during the interview: previous experience, rules, emergencies, play time, and compensation.
More: A List of Questions to Ask When Interviewing Potential Babysitters
(7.) Review Your Expectations on the First Day
Once you've selected a babysitter, ask him or her to arrive early on the first day so that you can go over your rules and expectations.
(8.) Put Yourself in the Sitter's Shoes
Also think about how you can make your babysitter's experience in your home a pleasant one. You might consider keeping a few special snacks around and reminding your children that the house rules remain in effect when you are not home.
(9.) Arrive Home on Time
Try to be home when you said you would. Your sitter may have other plans, or may simply need a break by the time you arrive home.
(10). Be Respectful
Finally, always treat your children's babysitter with respect. Stick to the hourly rate you agreed upon during the interview, and occasionally ask the sitter how things are going. Take the time to express how much you appreciate what he or she does for your family. Your kind words could mean more than you know!
*(Backup Child Care Plans)
Do you have backup child care plans in place? At some point your child is going to become ill and need your attention during a time that conflicts with your regularly scheduled work hours. What will you do to ensure that he or she receives the proper care without jeopardizing your job?
The first thing you should do is talk to your employer's human resources office about your options. If possible, do this long before your child is actually ill.
Here is a list of questions you'll want to ask:
Am I allowed to use my own personal bank of sick days to care for family members?
Some companies will allow you to use your own sick days to take care of a sick child; others won't. Find out ahead of time what your company's policies are.
Does the company offer sick-care for the children of employees, or are there sick child care establishments operating locally?
For example, The Rainbow StationSM offers The Get Well StationSM, which has four separate rooms to accommodate up to 20 children with various illnesses, from gastrointestinal ailments to the chicken pox. To find a child care facility in your area that accommodates mildly ill children, contact the National Association of Sick Child Day Care.
Will the company subsidize the cost of sick child care?
Since the cost of sick child care is typically more expensive than average child care, some companies will offer to pay part of the additional costs. In an effort to reduce the financial impact of employees who use their personal sick time to care for their children, subsidizing the fees may actually be in the best interests of the company and could save money over time.
Would I be allowed to temporarily work from home in order to care for a sick child?
Some companies will allow each employee to work from home for a predetermined number of hours each year. If your company allows this option, find out how many hours you can work from home and what you need to do to put your working from home hours into effect.
Are there any flex-time options available to me?
More and more companies are offering their employees flex-time. This simply means that you would accrue your regular work hours at a different time. This might be accomplished by taking on an extra shift during the month, accepting an additional project, or swapping hours with a colleague.
*(When to Leave Your Child Home Alone)
Question: At What Age is it Safe to Leave My Children Home Alone?
I'm considering leaving my children home alone while I am at work this summer. Are there any laws or guidelines I need to know about the age it is generally considered safe to leave children home alone?
Answer:
According to the National Child Care Information Center, only Maryland and Illinois have specific laws stipulating the age at which a child can be left home alone.
However, the National SAFEKIDS Campaign recommends that no child under the age of 12 be left home alone.
When you're ready to leave your child home alone for the first time, be sure to:
Consider your child's age and maturity level. For example, if your child tends to be impulsive, you should wait until he or she is older than 12.
Begin with several "dry runs" where you leave your child home alone for short periods of time.
Leave a phone number where you can be reached. If possible, provide a land line in addition to your cell phone number, just in case your company's service is disrupted for any reason.
Call home to check on your child.
If possible, make arrangements for your child to check in with you, or with a relative or neighbor, while you are out.
Thoroughly prepare your child for staying home alone. Consider using a book, such as Dottie Raymer's Staying Home Alone, to discuss what it means to make safe choices.
Be specific in discussing your expectations and how you would like your child to use his or her time. For example:
Is the TV allowed?
If so, are there any channels that are off-limits?
Do you want your child to answer the phone?
Should homework be completed before you arrive?
May your child use the computer?
Can your child have friends over while you're not at home?
Can he or she go to other friends' houses?
Make sure your home is childproof. For example:
Are medications kept in a locked cabinet?
Are there firearms in the home?
If so, are they in a locked cabinet and/or do they have child safety locks?
What could your child potentially get into that might cause harm?
Practice handling emergencies. For example:
What would you do in an emergency?
What if someone were trying to get into the house?
What would you do if there were a fire?
Ask your child if he or she feels confident and ready to stay home alone. If he or she is hesitant, hire a babysitter and reconsider this issue in six months.
References:
1Children Home Alone and Babysitter Age Guidelines. (2006, May). National Child Care Information Center. Retrieved August 15, 2006, from http://nccic.org/poptopics/homealone.html.
2Protecting Your Kids When They’re Home Alone. (n.d.) Safe Kids U.S.A. retrieved August 15, 2006, from http://www.usa.safekids.org/tier3_cd.cfm?folder_id=183&content_item_id=15130.
*(Book Review of Staying Home Alone)
The Bottom Line
This is a terrific resource for parents who are preparing their children to stay home alone for the first time, and its magazine-like format is going to be really appealing to many readers.
Pros
Reading this book with your children is a great way to prepare them for staying home alone.
Being fully prepared to stay home alone will raise your child's confidence and level of safety.
The book includes fun quizzes and activities to test your child's knowledge.
The format is much like reading a magazine.
Also includes boredom busters, first-aid tips, sibling survival secrets, and more.
Cons
It's part of the American Girl series, which might mean boys are unlikely to read it.
You'll want to read the book together, so that nothing is taken out of context.
Reading this book doesn't ensure your child's safety if they're really too young to be home alone.
Description
The magazine format and lively illustrations make this book easy to read.
It covers everything from guarding your house key to using your time effectively.
Parents who share this book with their children will be confident that their kids are well-prepared.
Also includes a special tear-out section for you to record your contact information and house rules.
Guide Review - Book Review of Staying Home Alone
I really like this fun book! It's a great way for parents to start talking with their children about what it means to be safe when you're home alone. And while there are some similar books out there, most of them are older and may not address some current issues, like using the Internet. That's why I recommend this book for all parents who are preparing their kids to stay home alone.
(FAMILY ACTIVITIES!!)
Another important aspect of parenting is establishing and maintaining a strong connection with your kids, and one way to do that is to plan meaningful outings together that allow each of you to share your true selves and continue to bond as a family unit.
*(10 Weeks of Winter Activities)
Week 1: Make a Special Treat Together
Looking for some fun winter activities to enjoy with your kids? Scroll through the activities here in this step-by-step feature, or sign up to receive a different activity in your E-mail each week.
Bake your favorite holiday treat together. Do this activity together from start to finish. Sit down and brainstorm what you love to make and eat at this time of year. Then find a recipe for it, visit the store together to pick up the ingredients, and make it together.
It doesn't even matter if it doesn't taste as delicious as you'd anticipated - the point of the exercise is spending time together doing something different and fun. It's in moments like these that you can begin to share with one another more and more what's been on your heart and mind.
Week 2: Go to an Art Museum
Go to an art museum. This is an activity that can be a lot of fun. As you walk around the museum, try to find the painting or sculpture that most looks like each person in the family. In addition, consider bringing along your own sketchbooks and just seeing what you come up with.
Week 3: Visit a Pottery Studio and Create Your Own Masterpiece
Go to a pottery studio and paint bowls, plates, or mugs. This activity can be a lot of fun, whether you consider yourself to be an artist or not. You may want to even spend some time together, ahead of time, designing your own family logo together to paint onto your masterpieces.
Week 4: Take a Long Walk Together
Take a long walk together in the snow at night. There's just something about the quietness of nighttime snowfall that makes it so peaceful. As you walk, listen to the crunch beneath your feet. Watch your breath in the cold night air. Even get down on the ground and make snow angels! It's in the quiet moments like this that we have an opportunity to see our kids in a new light and share new experiences with them.
Week 5: Go to a Local Children's Theater Production
Go to a local children's theater production. This is a fun activity to share together. After the show, ask your kids which parts they would have liked to have played themselves. Also, which characters were most like them, and which characters were least like them? The conversations after the show can be as enjoyable as the show itself.
Week 6: Go Sledding Together
Go sledding. Of course this is a favorite winter activity, but how often do the kids get to go sledding with you? Take them by surprise by initiating this activity yourself. It may seem silly at times, but bundle up tight and have fun!
Week 7: Sit By a Cozy Fire and Sip Hot Cocoa
Sit by cozy fire and drink hot cocoa. (If you don't have a fireplace of your own, visit a local coffee shop that does!) One of the things you want to do through these activities is carve out some time for you and your kids to simply be together. Sometimes that will involve time-consuming, well-planned-out activities. At other times, something as simple as sharing hot cocoa can lead to discussions you didn't know your children were ready yet to have.
Week 8: Go Ice Skating Together
Go ice skating. (Roller skating will do, too.) What I love about this activity is that, in our house at least, the kids are more skilled than the adults. It may not be your favorite thing to do, but it's healthy for your kids to have a chance to laugh at... with... you for a change!
Week 9: Have a Snowball Fight Together
Have a snowball fight or build a snow fort together. This is another activity that is probably quite familiar to your kids, but that you rarely - if ever - engage in together. In fact, your kids may be so used to hearing you say not to throw snowballs that this activity catches them completely off guard. And what I love best about it is that it's one activity they're sure to remember for a long time.
Week 10: Take a Painting, Drama, or Dance Class Together
Take a painting, drama, or dance class together. Here's another unique activity that's great for the months when it's just too cold to spend much time outside. Especially if you don't consider yourself to be very creative or artistic, this activity could be one that lets you and your kids see a different side of you.
*(25 Fun Winter Activities)
(1.)Make hot cocoa.
(2.)Go sledding together.
(3.)Make paper snowflakes.*
(4.)Go bowling.
(5.)Make sun catchers.
(6.)Make a graph showing each day's hi and low temperatures.
(7.)Make ice cream using snow.
(8.)Go roller skating.
(9.)Have a snowball fight.
(10.)Play your favorite board games.
(11.)Make a pine cone bird feeder.*
(12.)Measure the snowfall.
(13.)Go ice skating together.
(14.)Make snow angels and watch the snow fall together.
(15.)Buy a kid-sized shovel and shovel the driveway or sidewalk together.
(16.)Visit your local library and check out books on winter themes.
(17.)Draw and color a mural showing a winter scene.
(18.)Build a snow fort together.
(19.)Take a knitting class at your local craft store and make hats for each other.
(20.)Fill a spray bottle with colored water and write in the snow.*
(21.)Use sheets or boxes to build a fort inside your house.
(22.)Bundle up and take a walk during a snowstorm.
(23.)Make a snowman sun catcher.
(24.)Collect old winter coats from family members and friends. Then donate them to a local charity.
(25.)Use the back side of some leftover wrapping paper to draw and color life-sized pictures of one another.
*(Board Games to Enjoy With Your Kids on Family Night)
Playing kids' board games is a great way to have fun together. Even if you just have ten minutes to spare in your busy schedule, playing a quick game will allow you to relax together and provides a much-needed opportunity to talk, laugh, and share stories. Check out these great games for kids of all ages.
(1.) Zingo – Ages 4 and up
This is a terrific game by ThinkFun. It’s very similar to bingo. Each player chooses a board showing nine pictures. Then players take turns sliding the Zingo chip dispenser to release two picture chips at a time. The first player to fill his or her card wins! This game is recommended for ages 4-8, but even younger children will be able to identify the pictures and enjoy the game.
(2.) Sorry – Ages 6 and up
A collection of kids' board games wouldn't be complete without this classic. Kids of all ages love this timeless game for 2-4 players. Be the first to have all your pieces reach “Home” to win. But watch out! Other players will “boot” you back to home when they land in your space. Great for teaching strategy, cause-and-effect, and counting.
(3.) Connect Four – Ages 7 and up
Be the first to connect four checker pieces in a row as you try to prevent your opponent from doing the same. This game is great for teaching concentration, strategy, and cause-and-effect. Start your own “Connect Four” tournament today.
(4.) Uno – Ages 7 and up
This lively card game is fun for both kids and adults. Be the first to get rid of all your cards as your opponent attempts to get you off track by switching the colors and/or numbers in play. This terrific game is great for 2-6 players.
(5.) Checkers – Ages 6 and up
Checkers is a timeless game of strategy and concentration. It teaches children to anticipate and plan for their opponent’s next move, and offers hours of fun and conversation. Note that the game becomes even more fun as your child's ability to strategize develops, and even surpasses, your own!
(6.) Yahtzee – Ages 8 and up
This is a simple dice game of luck, strategy and challenge. Aiming for various number combinations with each roll, players become increasingly determined to win as the game advances. This fun and addictive game also reinforces math skills as scores are tallied.
(7.) Upwords – Ages 8 and up
This game is similar to Hasbro’s classic Scrabble, but allows players to build upon one another’s words as they go. For example, if your opponent plays the word “run,” you might use an “f” to change the word to “fun.” Helps reinforce spelling skills while providing hours of fun!
(8.) Othello – Ages 8 and up
Othello is a challenging strategy-type game similar to checkers. Instead of eliminating your opponent’s pieces altogether, the object of Othello is to convert your opponent’s game pieces to your team's color.
(9.) Monopoly and Monopoly Jr. – Ages 5 and up
Monopoly is a fun real estate game for children of all ages. The “classic” Monopoly game, by Milton Bradley, is recommended for children 8 and up. However, the newer “Monopoly Jr.” games – with simpler rules and fewer properties – are recommended for children 5 and up. Both versions come in a variety of themes, from your favorite Disney characters to popular films and geographic regions.
(10). Life – Ages 9 and up
This is a great kids' board game that really illustrates the importance of decisions we make throughout our lives. For example, will you marry? Go to college? Get a well-paying job? What will happen if you do? What will happen if you don’t? Players find out as these key decisions are determined simply by spinning the wheel.
*(Attend a Single Parent Family Camp)
When was the last time you were able to get away for a weekend? Imagine spending quality time with the kids in a totally different setting, where you could enjoy one another's company and get away from the day-to-day pressures, routines, and responsibilities of home? If that sounds good to you, consider attending a Single Parent Family Camp in your area. Most of the camps that offer single parent weekends also provide workshops and a variety of recreational activities for the whole family. Some camps even offer scholarships or financial assistance.
You'll notice that some of the camps listed here are run by faith-based organizations. In most cases, these single parent family camps are open to all single parents, and are not limited to one faith or denomination.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Parenting Help
My Story
Well I have 3 beautiful girls that I pretty much have to take care of on my own. My 2 oldest girls, Andrea n Annabelle, their dad has helped some n he does at least get them every other weekend n all that, I am thankful for that. But he has gotten to where he tries to make me feel sorry for him all the time n he wont pay any child support. For over a yr he has paid half of what he should pay for reasons to take it out on me n for the last 5 months he hasn't paid anything at all. He is married again n has a new baby n 2 new step kids n makes sure they have what they need but not his own daughters. Its really hard trying to provide for 2 kids by yourself. I know that I cannot give them what all they need but I do try my best to give them what I can. I make sure they don't do without. I will do without just to make sure they have what they need cause they mean the world to me. I finally get to Rodney through DHR n boy does he get pissed but oh well its his fault.Im hoping soon that I will start getting some money from him again but I guess I just have to wait and see. As I see it He helped make these kids he needs to help take care of them. It shouldn't be just my place to do it alone. Most guys just dont see it like woman do. They dont realize how hard it can really be being a single mom and trying to take care of kids. Men are just sorry if they cant take care of their kids. They weren't asked to be brought into this world n then crapped on. Kids deserve so much better than that. I have a newborn baby (Makenzie)now with this guy named Blake that is really a piece of crap. She is almost 3 weeks old n he wont even have much to do with her at all. Its really sorry n it breaks my heart for her. I don't want her growing up without a dad or him coming in and out of her life n hurting her. That's not fair. My dad hurt me way to much growing up n I never wanted that for my kids. There were so many times when I just really needed my dad to be there n he didnt care enough to do that. He made me feel so unloved, like I was never good enough to be his daughter. I dont want my kids to ever have that feeling. Little girls need their daddy's in their lives. How can someone look at such a precious child n not want to bond with her and love on her and want to help take care of her. I cant stand how heartless people can really be when it comes to their kids. It doesn't matter if you plan a child or not, its ur responsibility to take care of them cause they cant do it alone. They will regret it one day for missing out so much on their kids lives n not being the dad they should have been. And if they dont then they are just really heartless.Specially when their kids are not going to want anything to do with them. Just like I do with my dad. He pretty much is just a sperm donor to me not my dad. All he cares bout is his self. Not his kids or any of his grand kids. Blake is pretty much a sperm donor too n I would rather him just stay away if all he plans to do is hurt her. I know that he isn't going to do anything to help take care of her cause he hasn't done anything so far n he don't help take care of the first kid he has already. He pretty much has no rights to her right now n I would like to keep it that way. I think that if he just stays away that it would be better on her so she don't get hurt by him but who knows. It would be nice to get child support from him to help me take care of his kid but I really dont see that happening. I really don't like seeing my kids get hurt. My oldest ones have been hurt a good bit already by their dad and it breaks my heart. Andrea already don't care to have much to do with her dad already cause she can see how mean he really is. I want my kids to decide on their own bout how they feel when it comes to their dads, I wouldn't ever talk bout them and make it harder for the girls.I just wish that guys would step up to the plate n help take care of the kids they make.One day it will come back on them n bite them in the booty. I basically wanted to write on here bout what Im going through n maybe give a few helpful tips for single parents to help with their kids.And maybe i can learn a few things myself to help me with mine.
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